when you get here

wanting caring
wanting sharing

why is everyone so afraid
delusions taught from birth
are destroying the earth
irresponsibility
blessed by holy trinity
thank god for human frailty
so you don't have to be
responsible for reality

wanting caring
wanting sharing

you fear used to puzzle me
then it became annoying
now it sometimes scares me
because it leads to cruelty
you justify your violence
as some sort of self-defense
when you attack yourself with fear
it is getting boring

wanting sharing
wanting caring

you pretend you do but you are too afraid
but you push away true love and honest caring
you pretend good thoughts and preach good intentions
but you are afraid of really sharing

wanting caring
wanting sharing

i'll be here when you get here

used to dream

used to dream someone would come along
to write and sing the greatest love song
ecstasy in harmony, that's what i want to share
and all it would take is someone who cares the way i care

used to dream
that's how i used to dream
used to dream,
boy, i used to dream

used to dream someone would take my hand
and share the journey to a wonderland
created by the magic of sharing honesty
and all it takes is love and trusting unconditionally

used to dream
that's how i used to dream
used to dream,
boy, i used to dream

tried and tried again i gave my all
unconditional trust leaves one so vulnerable
time and time again cam the big fall
and i was left with nothing but the dream and a wall
alone with nothing but a wailing wall

and i wonder now if that's how people are
starting our with such promise of true love
but still afraid to go that far

and i wonder now that i am almost gone
with nothing but a broken heart to give
how do i go on

used to dream
oh how i used to dream
used to dream,
boy, i used to dream

waves of darkness

later this year these waves get even worse (prohesy, not too eerie, right?... look, if i don't find some levity in the darkness, i will die and i would rather live, at least for the moment, so i find levity... pretty simple, really) and when the waves of darkness pound the shores of the mind long and hard enough, swimming becomes so challenging that breathing becomes challenging and that is a scary experience cuz breathing is necessary for life as i know it at the moment and as i've likely mentioned once or a few dozen times, i still prefer life to any unknown experience that might happen some other time... still, the disappointments, the betrayals, the isolation, the loneliness... the lack of someone who shares unconditional trust... that is such a sad life experience it brings on the wonder... that impossible wonder would it be better to try whatever comes next (after life, that is) or what?... so far i choose life, or what...

but it hurts so much to live sometimes, especially when wanting to be known and understood and not having anyone who cares to know and understand, sigh... cave into sleep, but not forever... the sun will come out tomorrow, even if your eyes are closed...

feeling the waves of darkness this year...

deeper sorrows

there are deeper sorrows i do not raise every day but repressed they are dangerous so i don't ignore them for too long... i see so many who create so much anxiety and confusion inside of themselves when they bury deeper sadness and it can lead to self-destruction so easily in this world where self-destruction is such an acceptable choice... it is almost always better when someone is trusted enough to share the deeper sadness so it is not festering inside... released in discussion it loses power and released in catharsis it can become a joy to know someone cares enough to empathize... that is healing... a good feeling...

but even when deeper sorrows are not shared, which is sad, they can still be released and that is the best we can do alone... don't repress the deeper sorrows... find ways to let them out... that is what this message is all about... maybe that is what this blog is all about... or this or this (and so many others)... don't repress the deeper sorrows... find ways to let them out...

what does it matter?

even asking the question has no meaning if it is a question that no one reads or hears... and this blog, slowly finding whatever voice and theme and meaning it might reach for, if it is never read, what does it matter... even the question can bring the depressing realization that all the efforts in the world to share, to communicate, to create something meaningful in this life may be a waste of time... but maybe, like so many others who were never heard or seen while alive, this is a way to leave something meaningful behind...

for what it's worth...

suicidal laughter

so instead of laying down and welcoming sleep, i finally gave in, after walking into the kitchen and opening the fridge for the tenth time (at least) in the past couple of hours, i heated up a burrito and dipped into a yummy yogurt dip and satisfied the taste buds and the hunger that was partially physical hunger and mostly, probably, emotional hunger... and so instead of dropping a pound today i probably gained one... especially after a bunch of lindt chocolate balls... the belly bulges again... the ear rings louder... the frustration (and inner anxiety) returns to high, probably unhealthy levels... the night reaches midnight and i am wide awake... so goes the nocturnal circadian rhythm... so goes life as i've known it... so goes a lack of self-discipline and an abundance of self-indulgence... it is a sad euphoria of sorts... a depressing bliss when experiencing the big picture... and probably confusing if we attempt to analyze the whys and wherefores and rationalities and all that jazz... the dvr goes on for distraction... someone save my life tonight plays in the distance... and a sort of suicidal laughter chuckles softly (as opposed to maniacally) under the sighs...

the boredom overrides the caring tonight...

does anybody care?...

human sadness

somewhere along the way the wonder, excitement, curiosity, innocence, and magic of life is lost as the years pass in a life time... for most, it happens before puberty and for the rest, except for a very few, it happens before a person reaches the age of independent legal status in this culture... the few who hang on past that are either burned badly by the others or live in a delusional farce by luck and chance and circumstance (like great wealth or isolation) that protects them from the fear that grows to dominate most others and turn them into at best, insensitive self-destructive fools and at worst, murderers and those who glorify killing... and i wonder if anyone makes it through more than a few decades without losing the magic and without insulating themselves with delusion or circumstance...

here i am...