Sunday, December 13, 2015

Lost Hope, Found Depression (New Year, Same Mood, Different Place)

So many ways to choose in this life and yet, only one way to go down. Though the triggers may be infinite, you don't go down as long as you have hope because hope floats. This blog is sometimes where hope seems to sink or simply fades away, though if you appear and care, there's always hope. Hope comes from the potential, the possibility, the presence of the sharing. You feel me? That's hope. You share the simple fact that you are here? That's hope. Sometimes, it is simply choosing to be in the right (or wrong) place at the right (or wrong) time with the right (or wrong) person (or people).

Sucks to be the only one who does not drink in a large group... Sucks to be the only one old enough to be everybody's father or even grandfather to some in the large group... Sucks to have nobody to talk to about it... Sucks to be alone like this...

I am a good person
I've been a good friend
I give the shirt off my back
I'm always the one
On whom others depend
Yeah, so anyway.... The fool on the hill has nothing on me cuz I enjoy the giving too much to stop even though I know some of the people are taking advantage and even though few would really be there if I needed them and even though no one is there just for me, like now, the giving feeling is so good it lingers on, even now, so I don't stop.wand.even through the loneliest tears I see rainbows because that is what the feeling of giving is for me, rainbows... Giving feels like rainbows :)

So I'm the

The designated driver
The shoulder to cry on
The one who picks up the tab
And buys what you need
The one you rely on

And I'm the fool on the hill
When no one is around
Smiling satisfied I've done my best
To give all I can
To make others happy
To help whomever comes around

but the song I sing all by myself
Is a very lonely sound

Yeah yeah yeah... And here we are again dreaming of the one who will fall in love with me in spite of my not trying (cuz if yiu really put your heart into it you can fall in love with anyone and make anyone fall with you, but that would be telling) and even though I am actively resisting to test the resolve to fall and to.measure the distance between the desire and the unconditional... And the back is tired from all the years if carrying others far beyond expectations as there are always others along the way who need help to get where they want to be... No one expects the unconditional... I will say it again... In a world where selfishness is the norm, no one expects the unconditional...

So I went to New Orleans and ate alone... hello hello will this work as a voice recorder apparently it does

Sitting in a rental house (or was it in the car?... does it matter?), alone, while everyone went out somewhere and I stayed back for several valid reasons. Poverty and lack of income. Not wanting to be out all night with drinkers because the tournament starts early in the morning and the body needs rest to do well. Most nights I drive people around. Maybe there's more hope in that.

Maybe you care.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

devastating freedom

the freedom that comes from not working comes with a dichotomous challenge like a double edged swords... even if there is no need for income, there is the pleasure of free time vs. the potential for boredom, loneliness, lack of purpose, and devaluation... too much free time can get boring as most of the work is busy at work during the day... it can get lonely depending on shopping or other commerce for social interaction... few can attain and maintain high self-esteem without some regular validation from a successful experience... and then there is a social aspect of work, which may be far from ideal, but is consistent for 40 hours a week for most people and more for others...

add financial need to the mix and the stress deepens dramatically... wondering if bills can be paid is high stress... wondering if rent can be paid is seriously high stress... where a next meal will come from is profoundly high stress... it can drive some to illegal activities which compounds the risks of being income-less... so the freedom that comes from not working can be devastating...

it won't get devastating for me for a while, but draining savings slowly is stressful itself... it would be nice to have some wealthy caring people reading this, even one person wealthy enough to send some financial help, but the same question asked in this blog can be asked here... am i alone?...

wish this was a happier update... wish i was not alone... sigh and all that...

hope for better news next time...

Friday, June 5, 2015

don't want to be down

still want to dream... but so tired and more, too many loose ends at work, soo much unfinished business, too little separation between work and life, 24/7 staffing is not what i signed up for... read these four other stories) and let me sleep :)

till tomorrow...

Friday, May 22, 2015

not sleeping well

too much recliner, not enough bed... to much bend of the spine, not enough laying flat out in free fall... curving into old, or curling... the body is begging for a change of position and more sleep and on top of that, i am forgetting the blood pressure pill more often, which will probably lead to a stroke or heart attack cuz the body becomes dependant on the pill (dang drug pushers) and forgetting to take them (or running out, like where am i gonna get the pills after the apocalypse?... suicidal or self-destructive or just pathetic?... probably the trifecta triangle and trinity all rolled into one... fool...

who cares...

Sunday, February 22, 2015

unfinished song (unanswered question)

people do not want to face the facts
that we use each other
people would rather fight and lie
than share truth with each other
people would rather hide or die
than get real with each other
fearing each other
people cry

people do not want to understand
why we don't trust each other
people would rather ball up their hand
than share love with each other
people would rather make demands
than just accept each other
rejecting each other
people cry

do we make choices that bring us down
oh why oh why
do we have to paint a smile on a clown
can you tell me why
we are so afraid to be honest with each other
or even with ourselves
why oh why
is it all in the books books upon our shelves
or is there another reason sisters and brothers
make life hell