I Won't Give In Cuz I Won't Give Up

Loneiness is a better friend
than any I have known
as long as you don't give in to it
you can survive alone
for bonding out of loneliness
and pretending it's love
is the saddest form of giving up
on the dream I'm dreaming of

The bored and the caring
accept compromise
soon hey are pretending
it's love and not lies
but they see the sadness
in each other's eyes
if they dare make contact
anywhere but the thighs

sex can be elixir
lust can be a drug
you can find euphoria
in a simple hug
but deeper is empty
and then fills with pain
when love is lost pleasure
in loneliness' game

So don't let it fool you
it can be a friend
if you just embrace it
and let the fears end
alone is not painful
when you love yourself
don't make love pretending
with somebody else

just because you're lonely
you need not give up
don't give into lonely
let dreams be enough

for dreams are where hope lives
and hope sets you free
from fear of loneliness
and being lonely

I won't give in cuz I won't give up on love
I won't give in cuz I won't give up on love
I won't give in cuz I won't give up on love
I won't give in cuz I won't give up on love
I won't give in cuz I won't give up on love
I won't give in cuz I won't give up on love

Who Cares

Such a sad, same old story
withered fight for love and glory
giving up or giving in
living or dying
does it end
or simply
never begin?

Oh it was a wonderful time
left for what it's worth
within this rhyme
gift or crime
music chime...

...


I used to lay awake and write my heart out
I'd pour my heart out
I'd tear my heart out
. .. .. .. ..

With a longing, yearning, burning hung-desire
my heart's desire
my heart on fire
. .. .. .. ..

and melodies of love would fill my head
and endless words of love would fill my bed
and she would sleep beside me peacefully
and I'd wish she'd awaken to know me

but she never read the words
all the songs she never heard
I would leave them everywhere
but it seemed she didn't care

why she never read the words
seemed to me to be absurd
even though I was always there
it seemed my heart could disappear

she stayed out there
she would not share
I was right here
. .. .. .. ..

all the intimacies
that make intensities
emotional meaningful lifetimes
where left to live within my rhymes

all the passions remained
on the physical planes
and I was left to wonder why
we could communicate like this
but she wouldn't even try

so I left the words behind
my heart lied
my heart died

and I kept it all inside
but I tried
how I tried

to live her way
what can I say
I wonder what her life is like today...


some people are afraid of words I guess
they have other ways to express their happiness
maybe that was all there was to it in the end
in the end
in the end
in the end...


why she never read the words
all the songs she never heard
I would leave them everywhere
but it seemed she didn't care

why she never read the words
seemed to me to be absurd
even though I was always there
it seemed my heart could disappear

so I did.

.....

now I live within the words
all the songs you never heard
I still leave them everywhere
for anyone who cares

now I love within the words
and it may seem so absurd
but I was still always there
right now
right here....... .. .... . .......... ......... . ......

Whiney Love Song

All I ever wanted was the one
I know you’re out there somewhere
Someone saved my life tonight?
I know I can be saved by the music
one more time.

(spoken)
But it’s true, all I ever wanted was to love and be loved. I give up everything more than once for a home that would really happen and be permanent, unconditional, and all encompassing, but it didn’t work. Still, I’ll try it again in a minute. Faster than that even, given the opportunity. I suppose that attracts the greedy and the users. There sure are a lot of them out there.

(singing)
Did you ever fall in love and give it all?
Were you ever so happy you could die?
But all you wanted to do was live another day
With the one who made you feel that way.
Natural high.

(spoken)
I’ve been blessed to feel that way more than once in this life. The ability to unconditionally trust is more seductive even than the ability to unconditionally love and I, for better or worse, can do both. It has been my blessing to feel the fleeting moments of euphoria and my curse to feel the nearly permanent betrayal of the being taken for everything.

(singing)
Remember those moments that felt like forever
Those times when emotions are so strong
They just swept you off your feet or froze you in your tracks
Those moments are where you belong

Remember those moments that meant everything
Those times you never wanted to end
May you be blessed with remembering
And sharing those times with a friend

For whatever life is
Whatever we do
The meaning is what makes us smile

So give it your all
Whether you fly or fall
and please stop changing dial

It’s your life you should be watching
Your life you should be living
you are the star of your show

So fill it with the motion
Your promise and devotion
Plant your seed and then help it grow

(repeat something profound)

Empathy In A World Of Lies

I don’t listen much to people anymore because I don’t want to hear the lies. Lies don’t just hurt my ears, lies hurt my heart because I know a liar is hurting more than I am. Lies hurt. Empathy sucks in a world of hurt. Lies are born in fear. Lives are killed in fear. Lies are made of fear. They confuse, distort, and abuse anyone listening and anything they are spoken about. It may not be intentional harm, and often it is not. But it is harm nonetheless. It is sad that so many would rather harm than face their fears. It is especially sad when most of the fears are delusional. Fear is born of ignorance. Ignorance is often a choice to close one's mind, to close one's heart, and to believe the lies that others tell. We want to excuse the child and claim the child knows no better, but when the child grows up the child knows better. The child, when grown, chooses The ignorance, the fear, and the lies that defend it. When the reality of truth gets too close the lies turn to violence. To the delusion that violence is necessary. This path will be the destruction of the species unless enough people choose love over fear, knowledge over ignorance, and truth over lies.

For The Bored and The Caring

I sit here writing every night
in hope that someone will read these words I write
I sit here wishing on a star
that somehow this will reach you where you are

I write out of boredom
but more out of caring
a passion for loving
a hunger for sharing

in passing the time here
hope fights off loneliness
fears and stress disappears
leaving more room for peace
and dreams of happiness

for the bored and the caring
I give you this time
these words for amusement
and a thoughtful rhyme

for the bored and the caring
you are not alone
I offer this sharing
this bottle is thrown

containing this message
into cyber seas
this is why I'm writing
and asking you, please

if you're bored and caring
reach out and share
don't wait one more minute
show someone you care

this life is but moments
right now, this one
it's yours for the making
so let's make it fun

for the bored and the caring
our choices are clear
stay bored or start sharing
together, we're here

in passing the time here
hope fights off loneliness
fears and stress disappears
leaving more room for peace
and dreams of happiness

for the bored and the caring
I give you this time
these words for amusement
and a thoughtful rhyme

I wish I could explain...

I wish I could explain to people what I understand
about the way they hurt each other with their own two hands
and how they hurt themselves just wants me to stay far away
but still I want to share with someone... almost every day

I wish people were not so similar to cancer
if you see the big picture we don't seem to have a soul
our relationship with the host that keeps us all alive
is like a virus that has gone out of control

I wish I could explain why people do what they do
Can you really tell me and say it all makes sense to you?
Fish soil the water they live in, and animals can be forgiven
but humans are supposed to know better
so why do we act as if we don't have a clue?
I wish I could explain why people do what they do

We want infinite growth within a finite system
refusing to see the obvious lack of logic in our plan
from the environment t the economy we ignore our own entropy
the fatal flaw in humanity is the progress of man

I wish I could explain why people do what they do
Can you really tell me and say it all makes sense to you?
Fish soil the water they live in, and animals can be forgiven
but humans are supposed to know better
so why do we act as if we don't have a clue?
I wish I could explain why people do what they do

What we call progress is mostly self-destruction
and we create so many distractions to avoid the truth
Entertainment, drugs, and gambling all in mass production
chasing dreams as viable as the fountain of youth

I wish someone would see what I see, know what I know, feel the alarm
I wish someone would take their head up out of the sand
I wish someone would share honesty without pretense or self-harm
I wish I could explain to people what I understand

Would Be Bored

I would be bored if I cared
but I taught myself how not to
Just sad that no one is here
to see me not caring
I think I wrote this one
because I still do

but what good is caring
if nobody knows
what good is caring
if it never shows
what good is caring
if nobody sees
might as ell be caring
on your knees

in another life
in another place
in another time
in a state of grace

in an old delusion
secure in confusion
with a smiling illusion
painted on your face

I would be angry if I cared
but I taught myself not to feel
it's just easier this way
avoiding what is real
and still I sing this one
what gives it appeal?

what good is caring
if nobody knows
what good is caring
if it never shows
what if all the caring
is not all it seems
might as ell be caring
in your dreams

how lost must you be
to accept fantasy
as your reality
oh say can you see?
how can you be right
blinded by the light?
and when your best defense
is pretense

repeat something wise
then close your eyes
just repeat something wise
then close your eyes

Sycophants and Vultures

I have gained a lot of knowledge through education
I have gained even more through experience
I have had success that others only dream of
I have left it all behind at great expense

I have flown to the top of the mountain
I have sunk to the depths of destitution
I make choices that got me to everywhere I've been
I wanted to know how it feels to be human

And all I've learn through all the ups and downs
is you can't always trust a smile or a frown

people are puzzles with pieces missing
pieces they hide from even themselves
sometimes priorities are so disordered
they hide in books they keep on their shelves

Ones who are seen as the most successful
are often the unhappiest humans alive
Ones who are seen as total failures
often know joy is in how they survive
(often know best how to make joy survive)

What are the standards that bring us respect
What are the fears that make us reject
all we pretend to believe under steeples
matters little when we are judging people

So you can keep all of your gold and your glitter
the respect it brings is shallow and cold
the truth will surround you when you least expect it
with sycophants and vultures when you are old

Stinky Bed (Agape Largesse)

I have a stinky bed
it's not good for my head
the sheets need washing bad
it kind of makes me sad
I must get to a laundromat
it would be good if it was stat
there is no place where i feel clean
do you know what I mean?

I know somebody cares about me
just no one cares enough
to know the life I live today
and that makes smiling tough
I still feel happiness inside
as I always did
but there's a part of me that died
when I was a kid

longing for a mother's love
longing for a god above
longing for the unconditional trust
that allows love and lust

longing for the limitless
longing for the great egress
longing for the metabolic process
that allows convalesce
to acquiesce
fully express
pure happiness
without repress
without suppress
without the mess
of the abscess
of distress
or depress
agape largesse
coalesce
success

all it takes is caring
all it takes is sharing
all it takes is hearing
each other's heart beats

all it takes is knowing what to do
maybe this has happened to you too
it all comes together when you find a heart that's true
and wash the stinking sheets
just wash the stinking sheets
please wash the stinking sheets

(laughter, combining child-like wonder with mischief that means no harm... if you know what I mean and if you do... I'm waiting here for you all this life I've been waiting for you)

so what else is new? lol lam lal laa :)

Silence

Feeling flabby, soft, out of shape. More than ever before in this life. Aches are spreading in the muscles used for pitching and swinging the bat (much more the former than the latter though as I do the former much more than the latter). Frustrated with thr laziness and apathy that has gotten me here. Wishing someone cared enough to do something but knowing it is rare. Why should someone care about me more than I do?

Because that is what love is?

What is love?

Do you have to be an Einstein to know?

”When I proposed the theory of relativity, very few understood me, and what I will reveal now to transmit to mankind will also collide with the misunderstanding and prejudice in the world.
I ask you to guard the letters as long as necessary, years, decades, until society is advanced enough to accept what I will explain below.
There is an extremely powerful force that, so far, science has not found a formal explanation to. It is a force that includes and governs all others, and is even behind any phenomenon operating in the universe and has not yet been identified by us.
This universal force is LOVE.
When scientists looked for a unified theory of the universe they forgot the most powerful unseen force.
Love is Light, that enlightens those who give and receive it.
Love is gravity, because it makes some people feel attracted to others.
Love is power, because it multiplies the best we have, and allows humanity not to be extinguished in their blind selfishness. Love unfolds and reveals.
For love we live and die.
Love is God and God is Love.
This force explains everything and gives meaning to life. This is the variable that we have ignored for too long, maybe because we are afraid of love because it is the only energy in the universe that man has not learned to drive at will.
To give visibility to love, I made a simple substitution in my most famous equation.
If instead of E = mc2, we accept that the energy to heal the world can be obtained through love multiplied by the speed of light squared, we arrive at the conclusion that love is the most powerful force there is, because it has no limits.
After the failure of humanity in the use and control of the other forces of the universe that have turned against us, it is urgent that we nourish ourselves with another kind of energy…
If we want our species to survive, if we are to find meaning in life, if we want to save the world and every sentient being that inhabits it, love is the one and only answer.
Perhaps we are not yet ready to make a bomb of love, a device powerful enough to entirely destroy the hate, selfishness and greed that devastate the planet.
However, each individual carries within them a small but powerful generator of love whose energy is waiting to be released.
When we learn to give and receive this universal energy, dear Lieserl, we will have affirmed that love conquers all, is able to transcend everything and anything, because love is the quintessence of life.
I deeply regret not having been able to express what is in my heart, which has quietly beaten for you all my life. Maybe it’s too late to apologize, but as time is relative, I need to tell you that I love you and thanks to you I have reached the ultimate answer! “.
Your father Albert Einstein*

Cute, maybe clever, but not subtle, aye? Caring about someone so much you want the best for them and actively help them get to their best whenever possible, whenever the opportunity arises. And beyond caring, doing it, putting the energy of love into the actions we do for each other.

I was there once. I remember. I let myself atrophy, stagnate, wallow in self-pity and despair but most of all, I got selfish and cut my nose off to spite my face. i decided that I would not love my best until someone else came to prove to me someone else can. A challenge to the human race.

The arrogance of the challenge pushed people away as if no one was good enough to do it. Maybe that is true, maybe I deluded myself into believing I was the only one who could.

It comes and goes like brief hot flashes of awareness now and I sit back and watch it pass. Sometimes I project and those around me may do better for it, but perhaps that too is an egocentric delusion.

The few who got the closest to me may have some answers I do not have (how could I see myself from any perspective outside of myself, after all... ah, but that was part of the experience I knew, the awareness of being part of everything and how I affected and effected everything... my wondering and wanting someone else to tell me may simply be the insecurity of my ego seeking reassurance... and again, arrogance... tell me just how grand I can be before I will actually be it... harumph), but silence surrounds me.

I smile and ask... Who cares enough to do a rootscan of me with me?

I'll return the favor, but only if you ask.

is this where this goes?

heck if anybody knows if anybody cares (but I do) if I am uncomfortable or aching or missing out or whatever, blah blah blah, who likes a depressed child... nobody's asking... so i am sighing... could be because I am getting none of this...

Lost Hope, Found Depression (New Year, Same Mood, Different Place)

So many ways to choose in this life and yet, only one way to go down. Though the triggers may be infinite, you don't go down as long as you have hope because hope floats. This blog is sometimes where hope seems to sink or simply fades away, though if you appear and care, there's always hope. Hope comes from the potential, the possibility, the presence of the sharing. You feel me? That's hope. You share the simple fact that you are here? That's hope. Sometimes, it is simply choosing to be in the right (or wrong) place at the right (or wrong) time with the right (or wrong) person (or people).

Sucks to be the only one who does not drink in a large group... Sucks to be the only one old enough to be everybody's father or even grandfather to some in the large group... Sucks to have nobody to talk to about it... Sucks to be alone like this...

I am a good person
I've been a good friend
I give the shirt off my back
I'm always the one
On whom others depend
Yeah, so anyway.... The fool on the hill has nothing on me cuz I enjoy the giving too much to stop even though I know some of the people are taking advantage and even though few would really be there if I needed them and even though no one is there just for me, like now, the giving feeling is so good it lingers on, even now, so I don't stop.wand.even through the loneliest tears I see rainbows because that is what the feeling of giving is for me, rainbows... Giving feels like rainbows :)

So I'm the

The designated driver
The shoulder to cry on
The one who picks up the tab
And buys what you need
The one you rely on

And I'm the fool on the hill
When no one is around
Smiling satisfied I've done my best
To give all I can
To make others happy
To help whomever comes around

but the song I sing all by myself
Is a very lonely sound

Yeah yeah yeah... And here we are again dreaming of the one who will fall in love with me in spite of my not trying (cuz if yiu really put your heart into it you can fall in love with anyone and make anyone fall with you, but that would be telling) and even though I am actively resisting to test the resolve to fall and to.measure the distance between the desire and the unconditional... And the back is tired from all the years if carrying others far beyond expectations as there are always others along the way who need help to get where they want to be... No one expects the unconditional... I will say it again... In a world where selfishness is the norm, no one expects the unconditional...

So I went to New Orleans and ate alone... hello hello will this work as a voice recorder apparently it does

Sitting in a rental house (or was it in the car?... does it matter?), alone, while everyone went out somewhere and I stayed back for several valid reasons. Poverty and lack of income. Not wanting to be out all night with drinkers because the tournament starts early in the morning and the body needs rest to do well. Most nights I drive people around. Maybe there's more hope in that.

Maybe you care.

devastating freedom

the freedom that comes from not working comes with a dichotomous challenge like a double edged swords... even if there is no need for income, there is the pleasure of free time vs. the potential for boredom, loneliness, lack of purpose, and devaluation... too much free time can get boring as most of the work is busy at work during the day... it can get lonely depending on shopping or other commerce for social interaction... few can attain and maintain high self-esteem without some regular validation from a successful experience... and then there is a social aspect of work, which may be far from ideal, but is consistent for 40 hours a week for most people and more for others...

add financial need to the mix and the stress deepens dramatically... wondering if bills can be paid is high stress... wondering if rent can be paid is seriously high stress... where a next meal will come from is profoundly high stress... it can drive some to illegal activities which compounds the risks of being income-less... so the freedom that comes from not working can be devastating...

it won't get devastating for me for a while, but draining savings slowly is stressful itself... it would be nice to have some wealthy caring people reading this, even one person wealthy enough to send some financial help, but the same question asked in this blog can be asked here... am i alone?...

wish this was a happier update... wish i was not alone... sigh and all that...

hope for better news next time...

don't want to be down

still want to dream... but so tired and more, too many loose ends at work, soo much unfinished business, too little separation between work and life, 24/7 staffing is not what i signed up for... read these four other stories) and let me sleep :)

till tomorrow...

not sleeping well

too much recliner, not enough bed... to much bend of the spine, not enough laying flat out in free fall... curving into old, or curling... the body is begging for a change of position and more sleep and on top of that, i am forgetting the blood pressure pill more often, which will probably lead to a stroke or heart attack cuz the body becomes dependant on the pill (dang drug pushers) and forgetting to take them (or running out, like where am i gonna get the pills after the apocalypse?... suicidal or self-destructive or just pathetic?... probably the trifecta triangle and trinity all rolled into one... fool...

who cares...

unfinished song (unanswered question)

people do not want to face the facts
that we use each other
people would rather fight and lie
than share truth with each other
people would rather hide or die
than get real with each other
fearing each other
people cry

people do not want to understand
why we don't trust each other
people would rather ball up their hand
than share love with each other
people would rather make demands
than just accept each other
rejecting each other
people cry

why...
do we make choices that bring us down
oh why oh why
do we have to paint a smile on a clown
can you tell me why
we are so afraid to be honest with each other
or even with ourselves
why oh why
is it all in the books books upon our shelves
or is there another reason sisters and brothers
make life hell

when you get here

wanting caring
wanting sharing

why is everyone so afraid
delusions taught from birth
are destroying the earth
irresponsibility
blessed by holy trinity
thank god for human frailty
so you don't have to be
responsible for reality

wanting caring
wanting sharing

you fear used to puzzle me
then it became annoying
now it sometimes scares me
because it leads to cruelty
you justify your violence
as some sort of self-defense
when you attack yourself with fear
it is getting boring

wanting sharing
wanting caring

you pretend you do but you are too afraid
but you push away true love and honest caring
you pretend good thoughts and preach good intentions
but you are afraid of really sharing

wanting caring
wanting sharing

i'll be here when you get here

used to dream

used to dream someone would come along
to write and sing the greatest love song
ecstasy in harmony, that's what i want to share
and all it would take is someone who cares the way i care

used to dream
that's how i used to dream
used to dream,
boy, i used to dream

used to dream someone would take my hand
and share the journey to a wonderland
created by the magic of sharing honesty
and all it takes is love and trusting unconditionally

used to dream
that's how i used to dream
used to dream,
boy, i used to dream

tried and tried again i gave my all
unconditional trust leaves one so vulnerable
time and time again cam the big fall
and i was left with nothing but the dream and a wall
alone with nothing but a wailing wall

and i wonder now if that's how people are
starting our with such promise of true love
but still afraid to go that far

and i wonder now that i am almost gone
with nothing but a broken heart to give
how do i go on

used to dream
oh how i used to dream
used to dream,
boy, i used to dream

waves of darkness

later this year these waves get even worse (prohesy, not too eerie, right?... look, if i don't find some levity in the darkness, i will die and i would rather live, at least for the moment, so i find levity... pretty simple, really) and when the waves of darkness pound the shores of the mind long and hard enough, swimming becomes so challenging that breathing becomes challenging and that is a scary experience cuz breathing is necessary for life as i know it at the moment and as i've likely mentioned once or a few dozen times, i still prefer life to any unknown experience that might happen some other time... still, the disappointments, the betrayals, the isolation, the loneliness... the lack of someone who shares unconditional trust... that is such a sad life experience it brings on the wonder... that impossible wonder would it be better to try whatever comes next (after life, that is) or what?... so far i choose life, or what...

but it hurts so much to live sometimes, especially when wanting to be known and understood and not having anyone who cares to know and understand, sigh... cave into sleep, but not forever... the sun will come out tomorrow, even if your eyes are closed...

feeling the waves of darkness this year...

deeper sorrows

there are deeper sorrows i do not raise every day but repressed they are dangerous so i don't ignore them for too long... i see so many who create so much anxiety and confusion inside of themselves when they bury deeper sadness and it can lead to self-destruction so easily in this world where self-destruction is such an acceptable choice... it is almost always better when someone is trusted enough to share the deeper sadness so it is not festering inside... released in discussion it loses power and released in catharsis it can become a joy to know someone cares enough to empathize... that is healing... a good feeling...

but even when deeper sorrows are not shared, which is sad, they can still be released and that is the best we can do alone... don't repress the deeper sorrows... find ways to let them out... that is what this message is all about... maybe that is what this blog is all about... or this or this (and so many others)... don't repress the deeper sorrows... find ways to let them out...