Sunday, December 13, 2015

Lost Hope, Found Depression (New Year, Same Mood, Different Place)

So many ways to choose in this life and yet, only one way to go down. Though the triggers may be infinite, you don't go down as long as you have hope because hope floats. This blog is sometimes where hope seems to sink or simply fades away, though if you appear and care, there's always hope. Hope comes from the potential, the possibility, the presence of the sharing. You feel me? That's hope. You share the simple fact that you are here? That's hope. Sometimes, it is simply choosing to be in the right (or wrong) place at the right (or wrong) time with the right (or wrong) person (or people).

Sucks to be the only one who does not drink in a large group... Sucks to be the only one old enough to be everybody's father or even grandfather to some in the large group... Sucks to have nobody to talk to about it... Sucks to be alone like this...

I am a good person
I've been a good friend
I give the shirt off my back
I'm always the one
On whom others depend
Yeah, so anyway.... The fool on the hill has nothing on me cuz I enjoy the giving too much to stop even though I know some of the people are taking advantage and even though few would really be there if I needed them and even though no one is there just for me, like now, the giving feeling is so good it lingers on, even now, so I don't stop.wand.even through the loneliest tears I see rainbows because that is what the feeling of giving is for me, rainbows... Giving feels like rainbows :)

So I'm the

The designated driver
The shoulder to cry on
The one who picks up the tab
And buys what you need
The one you rely on

And I'm the fool on the hill
When no one is around
Smiling satisfied I've done my best
To give all I can
To make others happy
To help whomever comes around

but the song I sing all by myself
Is a very lonely sound

Yeah yeah yeah... And here we are again dreaming of the one who will fall in love with me in spite of my not trying (cuz if yiu really put your heart into it you can fall in love with anyone and make anyone fall with you, but that would be telling) and even though I am actively resisting to test the resolve to fall and to.measure the distance between the desire and the unconditional... And the back is tired from all the years if carrying others far beyond expectations as there are always others along the way who need help to get where they want to be... No one expects the unconditional... I will say it again... In a world where selfishness is the norm, no one expects the unconditional...

So I went to New Orleans and ate alone... hello hello will this work as a voice recorder apparently it does

Sitting in a rental house (or was it in the car?... does it matter?), alone, while everyone went out somewhere and I stayed back for several valid reasons. Poverty and lack of income. Not wanting to be out all night with drinkers because the tournament starts early in the morning and the body needs rest to do well. Most nights I drive people around. Maybe there's more hope in that.

Maybe you care.