comment-letters

as i said in another daily, i don't know what will distinguish this blog from the other (four?) daily blogs i am writing at the moment or even which will become the dominate daily if any do... (e)thereal holds that spot clearly these days with dozens of entries a week, but anyway, today i am not feeling like defining much... so i cut and paste from a long comment-letter i wrote to a friend intending to catch up on this week... we shall see how editing in each of the daily blogs changes the original and perhaps inadvertently defines each blog... and away we go...

this week, both consciously and subconsciously, much time was spent preparing for the new schedule starting on monday (new job, how exciting)... a lot of cleaning and household stuff and paperwork type stuff and phone calls that i won't have time for starting next week... and as i said, the (e)thereal blog continues to be flooded with entries for whatever reason... could be last gasps (of life?... hope not... of that blog?... perhaps... of some other changes happening?... it's a possibility, as bugs used to say)... or simply attention seeking or stats seeking (which is attention seeking) or... whatever, ya know?... wanna guess or help analyze me?...

anyway, the several entries a day are sort of mind-dumped into there as that has become the place for the sanity writing, which i might explain another time if you have not already stumbled upon the explanation... simply, it's become a very consistent habit that keeps me as content and happy and stable and euphoric as i can be no matter what...

all the boxes... so many boxes could have been emptied during this time off but i was slow in that... nothing compared to what is in storage in a land far far away... i wish i had the $ to get my stuff down from ny storage too but... sigh... a quick calculation tells me that by the end of this year i will have spent $30,000 on that stuff in storage... it's been a very long timwe gone... hope it's still there as i keep sending $140 a month... half a car payment huh?... more even... anyway... memories are in boxes so i've been dredging through some this week... sometimes not as easy as i'd like, but loving almost every minute of it...

facebook... yup, facebook... that internet place and all the visuals and interactions it has to offer took up a few nights (yes, the subconscious reaction to starting the new job and switching to a 9-5 life apparently had me up all night a few nights this week now that i look back)... i created my first "pages" there, three of them, and i must have had good reasons to start public pages out there in the fb world... maybe i am reaching out again... maybe the lonelies are budging aside the solitary contentment... or maybe i just want to make some sort of broader mark out in fb land... maybe i will link them later... probably... for now you can find links in the (e)thereal... anyway, i spent several nights online...

i avoided blogger a lot because they changed the interface and that takes getting used to and i was not in the mood to have new learning forced on me during my last free week... maybe it's faster and or better, but it still is a forced change i did not want this week... as i went there i looked at stats and i still find page views and the google blogger stats seem confusing and inaccurate much of the time... stats are vital for making money with blogs so i've been trying to learn how to read them but... anyway, still looking to make money... i think the consumer blog made 13 cents or 1 cent this month, depending on which page i look at in the stats... are we bored yet or still caring?... mind if i smirk?...

what else... house work and the internet i suppose took up most time... i ran a 5k yesterday... with the foot wrap and unwrap and slower time cuz of foot and lower stamina and shower and hydrate that was more than 2 hours... used to be i could decide to run, slip on sneakers and head out the door and shower and be done with a 5k in less than half an hour... an aging body is so time consuming... i would like a medical check up, but no health insurance this year means no thorough check up this year... bad timing to lose the health insurance... hopefully no cancers are growing anywhere that would be found in the routine checks people our age are suppose to get... no bummer thoughts today... i ran/walked a 5k yesterday and feel fine today :)

and later i have softball and must leave in about three hours so it is time to get my piles of unpacking stuff out of the living room (we are having a friend or few over tomorrow) and cook and eat and shower and give happiness (dog) attention and give my blogs and facebook a little time and make sure i leave foot-wrapping dressing time before the game... last week traffic was so bad due to an accident it took more than 2 hours to get to the fields... the trip can be done in 20 minutes without traffic... even 15 minutes if i risk 70-75 with the left lane traffic on the 55mph highway) and no lights... frustrating and time consuming and more expensive and so on... maybe i need a meaningless complaint entry, aye?...

is that all i did this week?... well, maybe... i'd have to check (e)thereal myself to be sure, but no time for that now... if you know or remember me (or if not, you know now), i'd rather be writing and leave the reviews and editing for others... someday, perhaps long after l am gone, somebody might find worth in the millions of words that i leave behind... if the are found, alas, which brings me back to the last (e)thereal before falling asleep last night, the old website writings are still lost after hope rose that i might have found a copy yesterday when i unpacked and connected a couple of external drives... alas, i was careess and did not back them up there... hopefully the old laptop hard drives will be salvaged someday... so much writing, so many words, alas and alack and no bummer thoughts today... i ran a 5k yesterday and have fun ahead tonight... no bummer thoughts, so there... that's a decision i am sticking with :)

wishing for more time... hoping you are smiling more than frowning... sending love :)

frustrations and retrospection

still frustrating for me, for i am way too used to giving more than is wise and and making things alright for people and have been able to a lot in this life, but i must consider my survival given i do not actually have a certain income at this moment (even if i get the new job, which is likely, it is substantially lower income than i had before and it is only a three month guarantee), which means i must seriously cut back on spending wherever i can and as possible increase savings to maintain my survival balance...

withdrawing $1000 to give away is not doing that...

alas, there comes a time when i must accept limitations as i created a life in which limitations are very real and quite close to the ground in metaphor and physical reality... as i look back, i realize that this is the life i chose to create as a teenager and as much as friends at the time told me i was foolish and lacked common sense, it was the experience of basic survival at the ground level, everyman level, the level of living paycheck to paycheck that i sought... while i only lived paycheck to paycheck for a week or two just after choosing the experience of homelessness (a long short story for another time), i have seen savings rise and fall and consistently - the more i had, the more i gave away...

tomorrow i shall give away some more, but just most likely not enough to make everything the way my dear adopted family member wants... life is a compromise, after all... a positive and negative balance... and i think she understands why and may even support the decision as she said she does not want to continue asking anyone for money... a mature and responsible attitude i should support... it is how i have learned to survive myself...

it is still frustrating though...