frustrations and retrospection

still frustrating for me, for i am way too used to giving more than is wise and and making things alright for people and have been able to a lot in this life, but i must consider my survival given i do not actually have a certain income at this moment (even if i get the new job, which is likely, it is substantially lower income than i had before and it is only a three month guarantee), which means i must seriously cut back on spending wherever i can and as possible increase savings to maintain my survival balance...

withdrawing $1000 to give away is not doing that...

alas, there comes a time when i must accept limitations as i created a life in which limitations are very real and quite close to the ground in metaphor and physical reality... as i look back, i realize that this is the life i chose to create as a teenager and as much as friends at the time told me i was foolish and lacked common sense, it was the experience of basic survival at the ground level, everyman level, the level of living paycheck to paycheck that i sought... while i only lived paycheck to paycheck for a week or two just after choosing the experience of homelessness (a long short story for another time), i have seen savings rise and fall and consistently - the more i had, the more i gave away...

tomorrow i shall give away some more, but just most likely not enough to make everything the way my dear adopted family member wants... life is a compromise, after all... a positive and negative balance... and i think she understands why and may even support the decision as she said she does not want to continue asking anyone for money... a mature and responsible attitude i should support... it is how i have learned to survive myself...

it is still frustrating though...