softball hurts

the games were rained out but the league told no one so people were not happy and sure enough, today was my first day meeting some of them and i didn't actually get a positive greeting... maybe they blamed me as i am the technical team manager cuz i pay for the team, but jackson does all the work, but the league is supposed to call me and i am supposed to tell jackson to tell everyone if there is a rainout or change of schedule so... the league did not call... the sun was shining when we got to the fields, but the fields were puddled and locked by the park... no league representatives were there and they did not answer their phones... very unhappy people drove upwards of an hour to get there... and they were kind of pushy and not very friendly to me, but jackson thinks i was just being oversensitive...

so they suggested we go to a neighborhood park to practice and i went along cuz i was riding with jackson but i was supposed to be a spectator today and the fields they found were taken so they decided to just take hitting practice on a bumpy open grassy field used for soccer and it was quite uneven and i had no ankle support and was wearing loose shoes, walking without even an ace bandage for the first time today after working the ankle and foot and leg more than ever yesterday, so i stood and watched until one of the people i knew (actually the only person i knew besides jackson) asked if i was going to bat and i said no because i didn't have my ankle brace or sneakers and the field isn't level and i pushed it yesterday and he joked saying "all i hear is whining" and i tried to joke back with "hey, you try breaking an ankle and rehabbing" and one of the new players i've not met said "all i hear are excuses" and i almost picked up a bat to hit but decided i was not getting bullied into risking an injury so i walked away and don't think i'll return to the team until next season as i don't want to play with strangers who are going to pressure me to push my rehab like that when they don't know me at all...

i was taken aback because i pay for the team and thought it was my team too, but a lot of the players were replaced while i've been injured and they do not seem very tolerant or friendly or welcoming to me, so they are not my kind of players... i have three other teams that are very welcoming and eager to have me back and very much care about my not pushing rehab, so i'll play with them... i am sad because i do have a few friends on this team (and i pay for it), and most sad because it was jackson and my team, but hey, i won't be pressured to risk hurt myself by insensitive strangers...

it caused a fifteen second 'fight' between jackson and me when i explained why i was hurt and don't want to return to the team this season and not until i am sure i am fully healed and have no excuses about giving my all cuz i don't like people who pounce on weakness before they even meet me and she was defending them saying they didn't mean it hurtfully and i was saying fine i am too insensitive to play with them and we made up after about the fifteen seconds it took to say those few lines (we don't like fighting) and she accepts me and i accept her (she's even more sensitive than i am and represses it more than i do, so she just wanted me to forget the hurt and i'll think about it, but i don't put myself in situations with insensitive people like that unless they are paying me a lot of money - especially not from a quite fat person (i wasn't sure which of the new people said it, but they were fat) who obviously is not one to talk about taking care of a body... yeah, still feeling abused, but i'll survive...

what hurts most is that because jackson hates hurt feelings even more than i do so she just wants them to go away (so in other words i should ignore them or not see people's insensitivity as hurtful) and that feels like she doesn't care about me and won't see how those insensitive words can hurt me and won't take my side even privately with me (was i supposed to pick up a bat and risk hurting myself?... she is the one who does not want me to play yet and has been cautioning me to take it slow more than anybody, but out there i was on my own looking like a whining excuse-making slacker... people can be very cruel in a schoolyard, ya know?), but she is my best friend and we get over it...

just remembered we were supposed to find out if the team wanted to play next season so i could save $30, but since the game was rained out and only half the players showed up, i'll spend an extra $30 and hopefully they will pay their share before my credit card bill comes (collecting the money is sometimes like pulling teeth)...

anyway, now, i shall rest because it was very hot out there and there was no place to sit while they practiced and i was dressed in long black pants (was gonna come home to change after brunch but stormy weather came and plans changed) that soaked up heat and i didn't have any fluids (just drank 60 ounces of water) and didn't get much sleep in days and am probably a lot crankier than anyone would rightfully tolerate... blah blah blah...

ok, so i whine and am over-sensitive, sue me (or take me or leave me), but it still felt like 'wow, first day i show up at the fields, i don't have the ankle rapped, it's an uneven open field, and i get this instead of take it easy and glad you are healing?)... the fat stranger did not seem welcoming or tolerant of my injury... yeah, fuck 'em if they don't care...

at least jackson will have a team to play with... and i have three others... and she'll talk me into returning eventually when i am not being such a baby and maybe she'll show more support for me since i am her best friend, after all, and she is mine... she just doesn't like to say so or show it in public cuz she's shy and i'm a strange old guy...

yeah, see, this place is just for the bored and the caring... if you found your way here and are wondering what the fuck is this shit and why am i reading this pathetic drivel, or something like that, you are not bored enough or don't care, so it's not for you...

feel free to forget it...